Those who sleep with blogs rise with fleas.

Tanning lotions don’t work on me and I’m a little bitter about it.

My friend Toni in GA used to always say to me, “Tan fat looks better than white fat.” I don’t necessarily agree with that. I often like having “glowing” skin (like Casper the Ghost, really), but I have DAYS where I want to have some color. I don’t get color. I get freckles. Freckles CAN be cute (the last time they were cute I think I was 7 years old), but with me they mostly end up looking like a skin disease of some sort. So I try to use tanning things and they turn me various shades of orange and then I just look like a Terror Alert Warning. But I’ll be honest with you … sometimes I prefer the orange color to the glow and I decide to run with it.

Here’s the problem: I don’t stain. I don’t tan and I don’t stain. So there is something screwy about my pigment and something suspicious about my pores. When I color my hair (yes I color my hair, asshole. Happy now? Maybe you also want to know my true age, weight and bra size!) … the extra color that gets accidentally on my face around my hairline — you know, the stuff you miss cuz the color doesn’t show up until 15 minutes into the process? — that color wipes right off. I never get a line around my face or splotches or anything. I don’t stain! So the tanning stuff comes off behind my knees where I sweat which looks ADORABLE (not) and comes right off with the first shower. It pisses me off.

So that tan fat the Toni is referring to is illusive with the chance of impossible for me. Well, thankfully I have good hair.