The greates thing to blog, is blog itself

Still no replacement treadmill. I can feel it. It might be psychological because I refuse to step on the scale until I have worked out for at LEAST three days in a row. So I might not have gained a pound but it FEELS like I have gained ten pounds in five minutes. It's insidious, this food obsession ... dare I say disorder? I haven't been diagnosed so I'm not gonna say that. However, I AM going to DIE in about 72 hours if I don't get a treadmill. I feel I can claim that without risk of exaggeration.

But in all seriousness ... that's a word, right? Seriousness? My powerful brain isn't functioning correctly because I HAVEN'T WORKED OUT IN A WEEK! (deep breath in through the nose ... and out through the mouth) Okay, in all seriousness, I'm going to Sear's today because I need to see if I can expedite the shipping. If I do it online I can't bargain and/or cajole or bribe or whatever is necessary to speed the process.

That being said, I have to go. I'm uncomfortable sitting here, anyway. I feel myself spreading by the single character I type and I'm SURE that's real.

You don't know what you've got til it's blogged

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh .... (pant, pant) I'm having a panic attack.

MY TREADMILL IS BROKEN!

Okay so I WANT you to try to argue with the powerful brain thing right now. I WANT you to. All I have done for the last week or so is find ways to avoid working out and suddenly ... my treadmill STOPS dead in the last five minutes of my work out?! That wouldn't be unusual if it were alone in it's coincidence. But there has been a string of coincidences so ... they're no coincidence.

I didn't panic immediately. Li'l Matty called Sears and had the repair guy come out. The repair guy was respectful and called and told me when he was 45 minutes out. He looked at my treadmill for about five minutes before telling me that to replace or repair the motor would be more expensive than buying a new machine. That's the FIRST part that paniced me but then I realized I was gonna have to go for a while without a treadmill. (pant, heave) WHAT?! OKAY! No, really. I'm cool. (bend over to get blood to head)

Sometimes you don't know whatcha got until it's gone. Right, Joni MItchell?

I'm not gonna promise to never complain about not wanting to work out. I'm am NOT gonna promise to be forever grateful. But Sears IS having a decent sale on the most recent model of the treadmill that just died so ... I think I can justify the purchase even without promises of devotion.

Bloggeling

I got so much DONE yesterday!

I only got a couple of things that were actually on my list done, but I did things that WEREN'T on the list. I'm telling you, I got a lot done. And it felt great. And I was so busy doing things I wanted to do that I didn't obsess every minute about food.. So, I didn't overeat ... until dinner. But I had a salad so I'm not gonna lament it too harshly. A salad and some garlic cheese bread. RIGHT?! What am I thinking? It's fine. I didn't eat as much as it sounds like. Okay. I'll actually count today and have a moment of accountability with you tomorrow.

The point remains that I'm doing things that make me feel positive in '09 and so far it's paying off. It ties in with that powerful brain thing. My attitude is so improved that even while sitting directly in the path of the oncoming economic crisis, I am not freaking.

I guess I should comment on the fact that my attitude wasn't sucky before. I just ... had some things professionally to face and put in order. That fact was weighing on me and stressing me. But I've done that and now I'm feeling even MORE positive than I was prior. And I'm finding I have more energy and more chutzpeh and more optimism even though the economy is crumbling around me like when Sampson pushed down the pillars in the movie and the whole city collapsed.

Stay busy. Stay busy with things that don't make you unhappy. And if you want cat food that won't kill your cat, go to Got Pet Food in Santa Monica. Those guys KNOW THEIR STUFF! That's just an aside.

Blog over matter

Holy S*#T. My brain is kinda crazy, super powerful. I always "thought" that (a li'l "brain" word twisting there) but now I feel like I am getting undeniable proof but not in the positive ways.

Okay like ... I wrote about wanting to get on a schedule and getting back to physical activity and stuff, right? And wouldn't you know it I woke up yesterday and ... my back is f'd up. I KNOW! That wouldn't really be all that big a deal since I have a screwy back if I hadn't reviewed and noticed that every time I start to "get on my own back" (you see what I did there?) about this stuff that either my back goes out or I get sick or some such thing comes up and I have to chill for a bit.

Two things:

1) Now that I'm getting tangible proof of the power of my brain I REALLY need to find a way to turn it into a force for good; a force for positive stuff in my life; a way to manifest a li'l dough ray me (you know what I'm sayin'? nudge, nudge).

2) I think the universe or my instinctive gut is telling me that I am using working out as an excuse to eat more yummy and destructive stuff. So for the next few days, until I can see my chiro on Thurs (ouch, so long), I'm gonna have to get absolutely real with myself about the calories and stuff. Cuz Oscar Day didn't help. We didn't get to go to the party we had planned to go to for work reasons so we got margaritas with dinner ... which was nachos. I KNOW! STOP YELLING! My body is fighting back. Well, I'm finally listening. So, body ... stop messing me up.

I'll keep you posted.

Delinquent blogs become angelic when sitting

I haven't worked out in a week. What the ... ?

I am still working on getting back on a schedule. I'm not one for same sameness on a daily basis so I don't really gravitate towards schedules. I find I am more productive when I have a regular routine but ... I also find that when I have a regular routine I have to do stuff to break it up or I start to get really resentful and rebellious. I like to fool myself into thinking I have some measure of control over my daily life so schedules don't rock me. When regulated I tend to reschedule a lot and call in sick or make doctor appointments or get someone to cover me or ... quit or piss somebody off and get fired. I just don't love structure all that much.

That being said, I'm trying. Really I am. When I lost all my weight I was getting up at 6 or 6:30 every morning and working out. The down side of that was I hated getting up at 6 or 6:30 every morning to work out and couldn't WAIT for the day when I didn't have to do it ever again. Now I work out when I can.

So this reminds me of the advice I gave on the site. I suggest finding physical activity that you enjoy. Even better is to find physical activity that you look forward to or can't WAIT to do! I haven't mastered that yet. I enjoy the treadmill but I don't watch the clock and count the minutes until I can get to it. Ya know? For you guys I'm thinking, like ... a game or a team sport. Tennis or basketball or a bicycling group or something. If I were single I would be doing those things to meet some fellas. But I have a lovely man who digs me so I can't get motivated to join group activities.

Whatev... I'm back to it this afternoon. And I'll find a way to motivate to get up in the earlier AM to "mill" it. Or ... something. I'll get it together. I will!

Baked Blog

A general rule of thumb for recipes in cookbooks is ... double the spices and seasonings.

I made this pork loin skillet dish last night. I don't know how cooking with pork can be low calorie but this one claimed to be and I chose to believe that. Also, I don't usually cook with pork for a variety of reasons but when I DO choose to cook with it, I expect it to be crazy flavorful. But not all cuts of pork are crazy flavorful, it turns out. Especially the lean cuts. But I digress.

This dish had a lemony-ness to it. I'm not that big a fan of a lemon flavor. And yet I ate every bite of my portion. There were no leftovers.

THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IF YOU WOULD STOP DISTRACTING ME ... is that I am coming to the conclusion that cookbooks are toned down to appeal to the less developed palate. I can't PROVE that, of course. My theory wouldn't hold up in a court of law because ... it's only a theory. It's not a fact or anything. I don't have any indisputable evidence like ... DNA or Bronco chases. All I know is I have to make every dish I find twice. The first time I make it JUST like the cook or chef suggests (because Paula Deen said that's the way to start). 90 percent of the time the first attempt is bland as all get out. But if I double the recommended amount of Thyme or All Spice or ... pepper, the darn thing tastes better. Usually when I double up the dish ends up tasting like what I ASSUME the chef intended.

I'm just putting it out there. You people who have published cookbooks can smack down my deductions if you choose. But I'm still gonna double your pansy ass measurements. So there.

Rainy days and blog days

It’s raining here.

I don’t know about you guys but the rain … I mean, I enjoy the rain but I enjoy it because it fills me with the feeling that it’s okay to stay inside and futz around the house and not make the bed and not put on make up and not change out of my work out clothes and not shower and stuff. (peee – ewww) It also makes me want to bake and cook and eat. A lot. I have resisted baking but the cooking and eating part … that I haven’t had such success avoiding.

Here’s what I sort of battle with a little bit right now. And by “a little bit” I mean a lot every single meal of every single day. I sort of feel like if I am being conscientious enough to do my research and go to the store what feels like DAILY and buy organic and use my juicer and make meals that are low cal and healthy and all that … if I do all that, well then, I can eat whatever I am making freely and guilt free without really paying attention to serving size and calories. And that is actually true for Matty. But for me, my body is just as stubborn and obstinate as it’s brain. My body is resistant to all things that cause it to shed poundage and it will NOT BE MOVED. Darn body needs to learn it’s place.

So then I have to get out my friggin’ food journal and get all real with myself.

On the UP side, I have found some super easy and fun dishes that I will be sharing on the site over the next few months so don’t forget to check it out. No need to submit me for sainthood. My reward is the good feeling I get by just doing such great and charitable things for my fellow food issue-ites.

Oprah got NOTHIN’ on me.

Blogaholic

Booze is back.

There is good and bad to this booze adventure. Valentine's evening was a delight. Our friends Chloë and Lynda were our Valentines for the evening and Chloë has a friend who is the chef at Hotel Luxe in Beverly Hills (Michael Gladstone). We started with Champagne and ended with some sort of tropical tasting shot. But the booze didn't win.

The next day, Sunday, was Mexican food and margaritas. That would have been fine, of course, but when we got home Matt decided to round out the meal and early evening with a Jack and coke. And then another. And so on. He over did it a little.

So this booze thing is tricky. You can't leave it alone for even a SECOND. You must keep an eye on the f'er. Get a sitter you can trust because booze is sneaky. Booze will steal money from your wallet and eat your last brownie. Booze will ruin your day off with it's selfishness. Booze will tell you that you are gorgeous one minute and then tell you that you are worthless the next. Booze is fickle. And delicious. Booze makes life better when it comes to visit but you have to make sure booze doesn't manipulate you into letting it move in and start being a slob. When booze is being nice there is much laughter. But when booze is feeling like starting some s*#t, then look OUT! Some s*#t will be STARTED!

Manage the booze and don't let it manage you. It is a lovely dinner guest but a cruel mistress. Right now, in my house, I'm giving booze the smack down and showing it who's boss. Matt's got my back on this. You have GOT to have a united front when confronting the demanding nature of booze. It will cry and call you names and pout and threaten to leave and never come back if you don't handle it gingerly. So, get on it. Cuz the truth is ... you love booze. It just has to grow up a little and learn how to love you back without being so demanding and exhausting.

New Blog Res

I didn't go to class and I'm not going for the rest of the month. I gotta get my life in order. Does anyone else feel like this right now?

Here's the thing, January, as I said before, was a wash for me. But not only was it the most unproductive do-nothin' month ever but my life fell behind. I gotta get things workin' again. And I need a few weeks to do it.

Okay and also, the truth is that I am really good at justifying and rationalizing anything and everything. So in addition to getting my life in order, I just want to do things in '09 that make me happy. I may not be able to do that 100% of the time cuz ... I gotta work and all that. But when not working I want to do things that I WANT to do; things that I am anxious to do; that I look forward to doing. Not things that ruin my whole day. Plus ... I think it's time to re-evaluate some stuff. Do you ever feel like that? No? Just me? Okay.

So I am going to try to get on some sort of schedule. I'm want to end each day feeling good about that day. I want to look at my To Do List and feel pumped up at my accomplishments.

THAT'S my New Year's Resolution. And it only took me five and a half weeks to come up with something I could commit to.

To blog or not to blog ...

I’ve got class tonight.

I mean, I’ve got class EVERY night, if you know what I mean. But I am attending acting class tonight. It’s a smart and dedicated thing to do but the rain is sapping my resolve.

Like I said, I like the rain. I enjoy the rain. But I enjoy it because I find ways to use it as an excuse for every little thing that I would like to avoid. That’s not to say that I want to avoid class so much as I would just rather not go out of my apartment when it’s raining for ANY reason.

I need sunshine for “open door” motivation. Open Door motivation is something that motivates me to open my front door and go out of it. Sunshine does that for me. Rain inspires me to curl up in my warm and comfy bed and read a trashy romance novel. I DON’T do that, but … I want to.

Anyhoo, my advice for getting motivated is to take an hour out of your day to do the hibernate thing and then close your eyes, imagine sunshine and then go and do your thing. I’m gonna try that. I’ll tell you how it goes.

Bottom of the Blog Chain

Feb 14th fast approacheth.

Matt and I put a nix on the booze from Jan 5 thru Feb 14 with booze on the 14th. I wanted to see if my face would look less puffy and Matt did it with me to be supportive. A few things about this:

1) I haven't noticed a change for the better in my face so I think ... that's just my face.
2) Matt has lost about 7 pounds so far. This is important info because it's imperative to realize that we are all different and we cannot judge ourselves and our progress (or lack thereof) by others'. Cuz ... I gained 4 pounds like I told you yesterday. I'm NOT gonna be bitter about it.
3) This is gonna be my Feb advice on the site. Small term goals. If we had said something like ... "For '09 we are only gonna have cocktails on Fridays..." that would NOT have stuck. But setting a small term goal, like not drinking for 5 weeks, and ACHIEVING it ... that feels amazing. It's motivational. You feel good about yourself. You start to realize you can accomplish the things you set out to accomplish.

It's not fun to deny yourself anything but it's EASIER to do if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You know what I'm saying? It's that ole "one day at a time" thing. I believe in it. I often say, "I'm gonna get on the treadmill for 15 minutes. That's all I am gonna require of myself." And then I make a pouty face. But then I get on and I start setting other little goals. "I'm gonna run for two minutes. I'm gonna walk on the deepest incline for three minutes," etc. And before you know it I've walked fifty minutes to an hour. Oh, I shit you not.

Small term goals. "I'm gonna do this for a week." And then if you do it for a week and it doesn't kill you then you consider whether you wanna do it for another week. Or maybe, one week on and one week off. Whatever works for you to keep you motivated. Cuz, you know how motivated you are whenever you start something new, right? So ... make it always new.

Oh and I said I would talk about Bob Greene. Okay. He said this thing that has really meant something to me after all these times of seeing him. What Oprah would call my "a-ha" moment. He said, "We all seek pleasure. That's what we do, and it's okay. That's not gonna end. It's 'how do you get that pleasure or happiness or joy?' "
That statement has caused me to be aware of what food is providing me when I am eating. And as I become aware of the pleasure it brings me, I am not enjoying it less but I am thinking of what else might give me equal joy. If there is nothing I can think of then I go forward. If there is something that will satisfy that pleasure seeking, then I do that. I haven't lost any weight because I've only been out of bed for three days so BACK OFF! ;-) But I'm gonna keep a close eye on this.

What he said, it sort of ... freed me a little. People LOVE to judge. I am sure I have mentioned this before but my shrink says, "Nobody wants to be the bottom of the food chain." But that statement was leveling for me. We all seek pleasure. Some of us find it in other things like ... shopping or gambling or smoking or slutting around or being a workaholic or a workOUT-aholic or drinking or going to meetings in order to not drink or WHATEVER. But we are all the same in that way. So when I overeat I am (often) seeking pleasure just like everyone else. If I can make a shift and maybe find it somewhere else even SOME of the time, it will make a difference. Or ... we'll see if it makes a difference. It certainly made a difference in my outlook. I felt like I was now allowed to pleasure seek and that seeking it doesn't make me "wrong" or f'd up or whatever. Do NOT tell me if I am mistaken on that point. ;-)

Back Blogging

I'm BAAAaaaack!

Okay so January was a wash. First my back got all screwy with the 3rd and 4th vertebrae getting locked and the muscles surrounding them were tight as tits and as hard as math. My genius chiro slash second boyfriend (because I loveses him) fixed me up after a couple of sessions and I thought I was back on track. THEN I got what I thought was a cold. But it got worse. And then it got worse. I mean ... it started with a sore throat and then my chest got heavy (no boob jokes, please) and I got a cough that sounded like emphysema. I lost my voice (which not everyone was complaining about) and then I got sever sinus congestion. That got infected and then I had a stomach thing that I don't want to detail for gross-out reasons. Even with anti-biotics it cost me 13 days. THIRTEEN DAYS! Is that a movie title? And now my li'l Matty is sick and I am doing my best to take care of him.

So I'm at 90%. I still have some symptoms showing but I'm functional again. I got back on the treadmill yesterday and did some arm exercises. Yes. Muscle building exercises. I'm tryin'. I'm tyrin' to live up to that promise I made you a million months ago. I'm not working out today because I have class tonight and I can't face washing my hair and doing my own blow out today. My hair really dictates my workout life and I can complain about that or call it an excuse but the truth is that's just how it is.

But here's what I wanna tell you. I was sick for 13 days and I ... gained 4 pounds. WHAT?! I KNOW! And I haven't been drinking! I gave up drinking Jan. 5 for a month for my own personal "lent." I thought for sure that would buy me a few pounds, but it hasn't seemed to help so far. (part of me is elated as I cannot wait to have a cocktail on Valentine's Day and I will do that much more gleefully after I realize that drink is not the reason for any of my weight gain). Many of those days that I was sick I didn't eat much or I ate soup. But here's the thing ... I have an adrenal imbalance. When I get sick my metabolism dials down to nothing. At that point, if I eat a freakin' APPLE it gets stored. My body is trying to protect me. My body is trying to help me get better. So I'm just gonna be happy that I'm better, get back to my routine and not waste time being bitter as I would have done a year ago. It doesn't help anything. And it certainly doesn't make me feel better about me or my life or my situation. And ... it's not my fault. I do have the information and power to control this weight thing, but sometimes it's just out of my hands. I just have to accept that and roll with it and not let it screw up my happiness.

Speaking of that ... I want to talk about Bob Greene and what he said on Oprah during Best Life Week. I know that was January but I told you I was gonna save those episodes and revisit them through the ... year. Right? So ... since I lost January I'm gonna do it now. Also, what Bob said has stuck with me and made me feel better and given me more understanding that I think is gonna help me. And that's cool cuz mostly I'm not a fan of Bob Greene. So I'll share it with you tomorrow. How's that for a teaser/cliffhanger?

I'm BACK, dang it!